Pairing: DiexShinya, KyoxToshiya, KaoruxYoshiki, Kaoruxhide
Genre: Horror, Romance, Drama, Suspense, Psychological thriller?
Warnings: Violence, language, sexual content, self-mutilation, (talk of)suicide, (talk of)rape,
Disclaimer: Don't own the boys and this could probably and hopefully never happen
Comments: Sorry this took so long, I had completely forgotten I already had this chapter written out!
Synopsis: Shinya finally goes to speak with Die about their past together; Toshiya goes to see Kyo after his run in with Yoshiki; Moran-sensei confronts Shinya in his office.
Die pulled hard on the strand of hair, wincing as the root popped free of his scalp. He set down the bright red strand into the small pile he had formed on his bed. He brought up his hand to wipe the moisture from his face, smearing the trickle of blood across his cheek. He had been slamming his head into the wall over and over, trying to knock himself out before Shinya got to his room. He did not want to face the doctor just yet, he was scared.
He had to find out what had happened to Shinya all those years ago, what happened with Kitanai. A piece of him did not want to find out, he just wanted to be but a patient to Shinya and nothing more, but the urge to know was overwhelming. He could no longer put it off, he was determined to find out the truth of what took place that day in the emergency room.
He grabbed another piece of hair and tugged on it, setting the strand on the pile. Die grabbed a couple more strands, more than one, and pulled hard, jerking his head to the side and tearing the hair free. His scalp was beginning to throb and felt raw, but the stinging sensation was relaxing him.
The door buzzed and he turned towards the door, his eyes wide. He hadn’t expected Shinya so soon! Shinya glanced behind him and stood there for a minute before closing the door. He turned to Die, his face twisting to form a disappointed look. “Die, your face,” he said softly, moving over to him. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed his face with it, his eyes moving up and down Die’s bruised face.
He sighed and sat down on the bed beside Die, looking for a moment at the pile of ripped out hair. “What’s happening to you, Die?” Shinya asked in a soft voice.
“I’m not even sure anymore,” Die shook his head. He eyed the scar on Shinya’s neck, just beneath his jaw…
“What are you thinking right now?” Shinya asked. Die could tell he was struggling to remain professional, his eyes were so sad and longing. Die knew that look so well.
“Why didn’t you contact me after you got out of the hospital, Kitanai? Why did you just leave?” Die said before he could catch himself. He grabbed a tuft of hair quickly and yanked down hard on it, grunting as the hair was ripped from his scalp. He looked at the strands and saw a small piece of flesh attached to it.
“Die…don’t call me that…” Shinya grabbed his wrist and began squeezing down hard on it, his eyes blank. “Why…why would you call me that?”
“No other man could have that scar on his neck other than the one I knew so many years ago, you are him, you are Terachi Kitanai,” Die said softly, staring at Shinya longingly. “I just have to know, why didn’t you contact me? Why did you disappear?”
Shinya shook his head, grinding his teeth, his hand shaking as it squeezed down harder on his wrist. “Die, I can’t go through with this, I can’t bring any of that up,” he said through his teeth.
Die grabbed the hand that was clutching his wrist and squeezed down on it. “Die, let go of me,” Shinya said, his voice echoing with deepening sadness and desperation.
“Don’t do this to yourself, please,” he begged. “Just tell me why they said you were dead, tell me why.”
“That’s not who I am, you’re mistaken Die, my name is Shinya,” Shinya said, tears forming in his eyes. Suddenly, Shinya didn’t seem as strong as he used to, he seemed so delicate and fragile like a premature child. “Let me go, please, I have to…I have to—“
“No, you don’t, please don’t scar your body anymore. I can’t stand to know that you do this to yourself, that you destroy yourself,” Die shook his head. “I know I sound like a hypocrite, but please stop. Please.”
Shinya shut his eyes and took in a shaky breath, slowly loosening his grip on his wrist and allowing Die to pull his hand away from it. “Kitanai, look at me, please,” Die implored.
“Don’t…don’t call me that,” Shinya said, opening his eyes and staring at Die as moist tears dripped from his eyelashes. “That’s not who I am, I am not Kitanai. Not anymore.”
Die swallowed hard. “So it’s true, you are him? Or at least…you were? Do you remember Haru? Haru Daisuke?” he asked. It was almost painful to speak his former last name, his father’s last name as opposed to his mother’s maiden name. He remembered how his father had so strongly hated Kitanai, hated the fact his son liked other boys. Maybe that’s why his father rarely came to see him.
Shinya nodded slowly. “That’s you,” he whispered, lowering his head. “And Kitanai is the reason you’re in here, right? Because you think you killed him.”
“But you’re not dead, Ki—Shinya, you’re alive,” Die said, smiling through his forming tears.
“Kitanai is dead, he is no more. I am not Kitanai,” Shinya shook his head again. “I am Terachi Shinya, no one else. I am Terachi Shinya. I am Terachi Shinya.”
Die stared at him in confusion. Why was he so strongly rejecting his former name, what sort of things were making him act in the manner he was currently acting in? Something was deeply wrong and disturbed inside of Shinya, something seemed broken. It was something that he had not seen before, but Shinya looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown. “Shinya…what happened to y—Kitanai that day in the emergency room? After his mom hit our car, what happened?”
Shinya stared down blankly at his hands, seeming as though he had gone off to another place in his mind. “The car was hit…haha-sama was driving…she died. He was in bandages, there was a tube down his throat to help him breathe. Haha-sama broke out of jail, she was after me, her and yakuza,” he said in a quiet voice barely above a whisper, not blinking, not moving. Die noticed his phrases had melded from referring to himself in third person to first. “The police came in, they said she had hired the mob from the inside to get me, to destroy her filthy son. I had to be protected, witness protection. They moved me away, so very far away. Kitanai was buried, he died.”
Die bit his lower lip. “I was there when they buried him, I was there…” his voice trailed off as that moment played out in his head like a film. Watching his casket lowered into the ground, not allowing himself to cry as the priest read off his prayers.
Shinya’s eyes suddenly sparked back to life, like he had returned from the depths of his mind. “I…I have to go,” he said, beginning to stand up.
The patient grabbed his arm and pulled him back down. “No, you’re going to stay with me,” it was half pleading half commanding him. He moved behind Shinya and wrapped his arms around him, embracing his thin body and leaning back against the wall. He held him close, relishing the scent of Shinya’s hair and the feeling of his body against his.
“Die…” Shinya said softly, stroking his hands. “I-I don’t know what to do. I mean, I think I love you again…but this…no. It can’t happen.”
“Shinya, I never stopped loving you,” he confessed. Brought up one of Shinya’s hands to his lips and kissed the back of his hand. “Do you remember the night before the crash? Do you remember how happy we were?”
“Yes,” Shinya said softly, his voice small and weak. “I would give anything to feel like that again.”
Die kissed his neck, letting his lips linger over Shinya’s soft, sweet smelling flesh. But then he remembered the scent he had smelled before, the scent of blood. Die sat up and got off the bed, moving in front of Shinya. Without a word he grabbed his sleeve and rolled it up, glancing at Shinya to see if he would protest. His eyes looked down at Die as if begging him to stop, but he didn’t say a word. Slowly Die began to unravel the gauze from around his wrist and grimaced as he saw the fresh wounds on Shinya’s arm.
There was barely any flesh that wasn’t scarred, line after line, scar on top of scar. He had been doing this to himself for so many years it was almost like one spot of his arm had a huge, brownish red birthmark. “Shinya…” was all Die could say, staring down at the wounds. He kissed one of the wounds, glancing up at Shinya to see more tears drip from his eyes.
“Die…please…” Shinya whispered.
“It’s okay, Shinya,” Die said, rewrapping the wounds with the gauze and rolling down his sleeve again. “I’m not mad, I’m just confused.” He leaned forward, letting his face linger in front of Shinya’s, wondering if he should kiss him. They had come this far, why not? There was nothing he could lose. He touched his lips to Shinya’s, pausing to reconsider, and they pressed down harder, opening his mouth a little to deepen the kiss. It had been so long since he had felt an impassioned kiss.
Shinya slung his arms lazily over Die’s shoulders, gently returning the kiss. Die felt a bit of nostalgia, realizing that Shinya still kissed the same as he did years before. The kiss seemed so familiar to him and yet so foreign, like he was kissing a stranger. Die pulled back slowly, looking into Shinya’s eyes for a long time before speaking. “Don’t leave me again,” he said. “I thought you were dead for so long, I thought I would never see you again. I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose you again.”
* * * * *
Toshiya rushed past Mizuku, not even looking at her. His head was down and his eyes looked only at the ground, nothing else. He had to see Kyo, he had to see Kyo or he didn’t know what he was going to do and he certainly did not want to find out what he was capable of doing to himself.
“Hara-sensei, do you know where Terachi-sensei is?” Toshiya looked up and saw Moran walking towards him quickly.
“No,” he said softly, jumping as he heard the buzz of the door behind him. He glanced back and saw Shinya coming out of Die’s room, wiping his eyes and touching the tips of his fingers to his lips.
Shinya looked up at them and his eyes widened. “What were you doing in Die’s room?” Moran demanded.
“He’s my patient,” Shinya said offensively.
“Don’t mess with me, Terachi,” she growled.
“In my office, now,” Shinya said sharply, turning on a heel and walking down the hall with Moran on his heels.
Toshiya breathed a sigh of relief, glad that they left, and swiped his card to open Kyo’s door. He quickly moved into the room, slammed the door shut and collapsed onto the ground, curling into a fetal position. Kyo was sleeping in his bed, dead to the world and for that Toshiya was thankful. He didn’t want Kyo to see him like this.
The scene played over and over in his mind, threatening Yoshiki when he should have just left, when he should have remained professional. But he had to defend Kyo, he had to stand up to a man he knew was insane and unpredictable. If only he hadn’t been so stupid, allowing his emotions to take hold of him. He wouldn’t be on Kyo’s floor, sobbing and bleeding from his rectum.
He looked down at arm, staring at the puffed up scar that he had long ago inflicted on himself. No, he couldn’t. He had to stay strong, he had to stay strong for Kyo and for Shinya too. Yet, he wouldn’t feel so violated or as filthy, he could feel better and go on with his day. No, dammit! What had put these thoughts in his head?
Toshiya dragged himself off the floor, crawling over to Kyo’s bed. He glanced back and saw trickles of fresh blood on the floor where he had moved. This must have been what Kyo faced after Jaaku had raped him, the pain and the misery that was overwhelming his mind. Now he knew why Kyo would want to kill himself over it. He raised his blood stained hand to Kyo’s shoulder and shook him.
“Kyo, do you have anything sharp in this room?” Toshiya asked, trying to calm himself.
“Wha--?” Kyo opened his eyes wearily, smiling as Toshiya’s face came into view. “Are you done with your shifts?”
Toshiya bit his lip, grabbing onto the edge of the bed and pulling himself into a standing position. He leaned against it, trying to steady his shaking legs. “Toshiya? Toshiya? What’s wrong?” Kyo asked, finally realizing something was wrong. His eyes widened as he saw blood trickling out of Toshiya’s pant leg onto the ground. “Toshiya, where’s that blood coming from? What happened?”
“I…I…” Toshiya began. His palm slipped and he lost his grasp on the bed, collapsing once more to the ground. He began sobbing uncontrollably, unable to make out any words even if he wanted to.
Kyo kicked off his covers and rushed to Toshiya’s side, trying to pull him up into a sitting position. “What happened? Toshiya, tell me what happened?” Kyo said, shaking the doctor, his eyes wide.
Toshiya covered his face with his hands and blocked Kyo from his view, not wanting to look at him. He felt absolutely disgusting, like he could have prevented what had just happened to him if he hadn’t been so easily angered by Yoshiki’s words. If he had had his cell phone out instead of having it in his pocket, if he fought harder… “Kyo…don’t…don’t look at me right now,” he sobbed, pulling himself into the fetal position and hugging his knees to his chest.
“What happened? Toshiya? What happened?” Kyo repeated over and over, shaking him and trying to pull him from the ball he had formed himself into. “Toshiya, you’re scaring me. Tell me what happened!”
Kyo wrapped him in a warm embrace, pulling him close. “Something happened with one of your patients?” Kyo asked softly. “Was it Kisaki-san?”
Toshiya shook his head, wrapping his arms around Kyo and clutching the back of his shirt. “Hayashi…” he whispered.
“Hayashi?” Kyo’s eyes widened. “No…he didn’t…” The patient grabbed Toshiya’s ID card and stood up. “That mother fucker…that sick…twisted. No, he is going to pay for this—“
“Kyo, please…don’t,” Toshiya sobbed, grabbing hold of his pant leg. “Please…”
Kyo knelt down and kissed Toshiya’s forehead. “I’m going to be right back, don’t worry,” he said, his voice cold and filled with hatred. “You got rid of Jaaku for me…now I’m going to destroy Hayashi for you.”
* * * * *
“Excuse me?” Moran’s eyes widened at Shinya’s statement and her face twisted into a disgusted look. “What did you just say?”
“I will not resign. You have a position here at the hospital and can come and go as you please, so there is no reason for me to step down from my position. I have made a great deal of progress with my patients and they need me. I will not back down in the face of your intimidation,” Shinya said sternly.
“You’re making a huge mistake, Terachi-sensei,” she said in a low voice. “I can make it so you never set foot in another institution in your entire life.”
Shinya glanced down at his desk, at the notebook he had filled with notes and diagnoses of his patients. Then he looked back up at her. “I’m not making a mistake, I’m making a judgment call. You don’t care about Kaoru nor Kyo, you only care about ‘curing’ Die,” he shook his head. “I will not endanger my patients’ lives because of your selfishness.”
Moran laughed. “My selfishness? Mine? What about you, Terachi-sensei? You want Daisuke all to yourself. No, I will not let my brother be near some…homosexual, mentally disturbed doctor who will poison his mind,” she sneered. “I can take care of Niimura-san and Niikura-san, I took care of them for quiet some time before you came along.”
“And yet you could never figure out what was wrong with them, now could you? I have gathered more information in a matter of months than you could in a year. There is hope for all three of my patients, they could one day be integrated back into society and yet you care nothing about that. Unlike you, I care about all three of my patients,” Shinya snapped. “Kyo, he was raped by his mother’s boyfriend when he was an adolescent. If you had figured that out we could have spared Kyo from being raped again but weeks ago. Kaoru was abused for months by Hara-sensei’s patient, Hayashi. If we knew that we could have stopped the two of them from meeting and Kaoru developing Stockholm Syndrome, and we could have prevented Matsumoto-san from ever coming to this facility.
“And yet because of your negligence to your other patients hell has broken loose in Hara-sensei’s and my wards and there is hardly a thing we can do about it but pick up the pieces and start over from scratch. Do you have any idea the affect you have on my patients?” Shinya shook his head.
Moran-sensei stood up quickly and planted her hands firmly on the edge of Shinya’s desk. “You have no idea who you’re messing with. I will get my brother out of here, away from you, away from this so called ‘hell’ and I will see to it personally that you take his room and are committed to this very hospital. Then I’ll be your doctor and we can talk a little more about Daisuke, Terachi Kitanai,” she growled, her words dripping with hate.
She turned quickly and exited the room, slamming Shinya’s door behind her.
Shinya buried his face in his hands, having just had somewhat of a mini panic attack as she was berating him. Would she actually be able to have him committed? If she brought up the issue to a judge it was definitely possible he could be committed if he were found incompetent. This was a mess, his life was just one big, jumbled up mess.
He opened up his notebook and his order booklet. He was going to have to prescribe medication for his patients at some point instead of avoiding it like the plague. Prescribing medication always made him nervous, knowing that it often led to strange side effects and could severely alter his patients. What were they even on now?
Kyo was on a milligram and a half of Clonapine. That seemed like so much for someone so tiny, but he still seemed overly nervous. Two milligrams might help. Shinya would have to increase his dose of anti-psychotics to control his impulses and switch his anti-depressants to something that would hopefully reduce the suicidal thoughts.
And Kaoru, oh god help Kaoru. Definitely increase his anti-depressants and Geodon, and lower his Ativan to make him more lucid. Could anything be done about his obsessive thoughts with Hayashi? If he switched him from Welbutrin to Prozac it might help. Shinya quickly scribbled out the order.
Die…Shinya thought of his battered face. More Geodon, more—wait. The Ativan dosage was four milligrams. No wonder he was so prone to self-destructive behavior at night! His judgment was severely impaired by the amount of the anti-anxiety medication in his system. Who had written the order--? Moran. Of course. He quickly scratched out the order and wrote in a prescription for a sleep aid to ease him off of the addictive medication.
He sighed and shut the order booklet and buried his face in his hands once more. What was he going to do?
See, this one was somewhat better! woo! I got really bored and I started making a quiz for this fic to see how well some people know it. It's gonna be fun!
Part 18 1/2